What Helps in Grief
For the past few posts, I’ve talked about grief and its various nuances. Today, I’m going to continue the conversation. You may be wondering why I keep focusing on grief. Well, aside from being a mental health professional who specializes in grief, I believe grief needs to be discussed. The more it’s talked about, the better. Grief is a part of the human experience because death is a part of life. If you ask me, there aren’t enough people talking about grief. The more we can open up about grief, get it out into the common air, the more we can decrease the stigma and myths around it. Paraphrasing Fred Rogers from “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” – when we can face something by talking about it, we can figure out how to manage it and navigate through it.
So for this post, I’m going to mention some ways that really help someone navigate grief. I bring to this conversation years of working with adults and children individually going through this process as well as facilitating grief support groups.
Accept that where you are is where you are. Easier said than done, right? I know. But really, this is the key to this and…well, everything really. Once we can acknowledge where we are and get to a point that isn’t perhaps comfortable but is at least a place where we can be open, then we can begin the real work of healing. Everyone has to start somewhere, and with grief, this is no different. Acceptance requires you to be vulnerable because you’re acknowledging that things are difficult right now, you don’t like it and it’s uncomfortable. That can be everyone’s starting point, really. And that is absolutely alright. Grief has no timeline and no manual. Your journey will not look like someone else’s because you’re not like anyone else.
Grief is easier to bear with support. I understand that sometimes, things need to be processed when you’re alone – and grief is no exception to this. Solitude has its own comforts – as an introvert, I really get this. But….and this is a big but…there is a danger of being alone for too long. When you spend a lot of time alone, your mind and heart can start to tell you stories that seem true but ARE NOT. You don’t have any sounding board to bounce off those things in your head except yourself. You can start to believe in those faulty stories and become entrenched in them. They keep you isolated, and isolation can lead to depression and hopelessness. The reality is that feelings and thoughts are not always true – yes, they are valid in that you are experiencing them. I am not invalidating that. But, we need to start questioning what’s going on in our minds because they can be easily susceptible to things that are just not correct.
Okay, going back to the idea of support for grief. There is a beautiful and uplifting power in being part of a community that understands you, supports you, just gets you and gives you the truth in a way that you need to hear it. A grief support group does this. An uplifting group of friends and/or family members does this. A mental health professional does this. It is so encouraging and validating to hear someone else say they’ve had a similar experience to you. It is so wonderful to hear that you are not alone. You are not alone. Creating community is the superpower of groups.
Find an outlet for your grief. Grief is like energy, made up of emotional and cognitive power that acts like magma and gas inside a volcano. What happens if this doesn’t get released? Yup, you guessed it – an eruption! Grief that isn’t expressed in a way that helps will get expressed in a way that hurts. You can’t suppress energy forever. Unexpressed grief may come out as anger, self-destructive behaviors, relationship breakdowns or mental illness. You need to express your grief before you explode. How to do this? Talking to someone, writing, drawing, painting, moving your body, anything that allows that energy to move so it isn’t stuck in your heart and mind. With my writing background, I’m partial to writing, so that’s my go-to outlet. Find what works for you because stuckness leads to festering.
Self-care, self-care, self-care!! Grieving is hard work. Your body, mind and spirit are being put through the wringer right now because it’s trying to get to a place where you can reconcile the loss with your life right now. That work is exhausting. And it can catch you by surprise. Based on my own experiences and that of others, I can tell you that grief fatigue feels like exhaustion on steroids mixed with the common flu. Now more than ever, you need to practice self-care, and I don’t mean getting manis and pedis. Well, if you want to do that, that’s great, but what I’m really getting at is paying attention to what your body is telling you and listening to it. While you’re grieving, now is the time to tune into your body and rest when you’re tired, try to maintain your eating and drinking habits (drinking lots of water combats fatigue, fyi), hold firm onto your boundaries and keep your expectations low. Grief requires flexibility because you never know how you’re going to feel and be on any given day. I mentioned the “Grief Cha-cha” last time, referring to the process of going in and out of various emotions and thought cycles. So, give yourself some slack and let things go if you can. There will always be housework.
Stay connected to what you’ve lost. What I mean by this is finding a way to remember who or what you’ve lost and make that part of the new life you’re living now. Why is this so important? Because by finding meaning in the loss, we help ourselves accept the loss and create a world where we can keep on living in spite of the loss. Living a life with grief is the goal here. Grief isn’t something that you can ever get over, but it is something you can learn to live with and thrive despite it.
How would this look like, to make this connection? This could show up as making an heirloom, memory box or some other kind of thing. It could come in the form of writing about your loved one or creating art. It could simply mean talking to your loved one every day as you go about your routine. I do that all the time to my Dad who’s been gone nine years now. It could mean keeping a treasured item of your lost loved one. I kept a few of Dad’s sweatshirts, along with his cane and jewelry. The sweatshirts make me feel like I’m getting a hug from him. Creating a connection could be starting a foundation or scholarship in memory of your person. It could mean creating a support group of your own. The list is endless. You have to decide what you’d like to do whenever it is you feel ready to take this step.
How is this landing for you? What would you add? Let me know by sending an email to lori@loriapeterswriter.com.
