Things that Are Common in Grief

In the last post, I wrote about Prolonged Grief Disorder and why I disagree with that classification as created by the American Psychiatric Association. Today, I’m going to expand on that topic of grief and talk about what are common things one might experience or find when grieving. I’m gonna avoid saying words like ‘normal’ and ‘typical’ because there is no one way to grieve. Because we are unique people with various cultural and societal backgrounds, we each will go through this process differently.  

But even with the differences we each have, there are some commonalities that can be found when it comes to grief. With the all the people I’ve worked with professionally and personally, I have found that to be true time and time again.  

So what are those commonalities? Here’s my short, not all inclusive list of Things that Are Common in Grief:

Each person grieves differently. This is due to many reasons – the way we were raised, the way we were taught to express ourselves (or not), the implicit and explicit messages we received as kids (or not) about death and grief, and the relationship we had with the person or something we lost. How I grieve may not be how you grieve, and that is okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Grief ebbs and flows. People in grief do what I call the “Grief Cha-Cha.” One day, you may feel like you’re in a good place and all is right with the world. The next, you feel like crap, like the loss just happened a few seconds ago. It can be like a gut punch when that happens and so confusing because you remember how you were feeling the day before. This also can happen when we encounter the myriad types of triggers for grief – maybe it’s a song, a smell, a room – that brings you right back to the loss, to the person who was here and no longer is. A lot of people have told me they feel like they’re crazy because of this rollercoaster ride. All I can say is this experience is common. Your body and mind are doing the hard job of coming to terms with the loss.  

No emotion or thought is off the table. Loss creates a surreal and sometimes cognitively dissonant experience that will make you feel like you’re an alien starring in your own dystopian movie. You will experience a range of emotions and think a variety of thoughts that you never believed possible. You will be surprised by them and maybe even ashamed or embarrassed. All of that is to be expected and there’s nothing wrong about it. Something has happened that you’ve never experienced before so of course this will bring up stuff, lots of stuff. You will be feeling all sorts of ways about it. The only way through this messy process is to acknowledge what you’re feeling or thinking, lean into it and then take a step back to figure out how to navigate through it.

Grief fatigue is a real thing. A loss triggers a physical and emotional response that requires a lot of energy. It is common to feel utterly wrecked, depleted. Your body is trying to reconcile the fact that something unexpected and hugely significant has happened and that takes work. A lot of it. It is a kind of stress not dissimilar to other types of stress. And we know that stress over time takes a toll on the body. So, if you’re finding yourself feeling exhausted, know that this is part of grief.

Grief creates changes. Maybe that is obvious to say, but you’d be amazed by the number of people who are surprised by this. Well, we have the obvious change – a loss. That person is not coming back. That statement applies to non-death loss too – maybe you’ve broken up with someone or have moved or quit a job. That type of loss is irreversible in the way a death is. Even if you get back your job or restart your relationship with that person, it’s still a loss of the person you were. So loss stirs something within you. What’s not so obvious is how grief changes you in subtle ways. Maybe you see things differently, you act differently, you approach things differently, you hold onto things closer or you let them go more easily. Maybe you use the loss as a launching pad to something else. Maybe you’re more open. Whatever it is, you can credit the loss as the reason. Grief changes you.  

What have you found in your grief process? Care to let me know? If so, email me at lori@loriapeterswriter.com Grieving is a difficult road and one that has a lot of twists and turns, so if you’re on this journey, be patient with yourself, take it one day at a time and breathe. You will get through this.