Dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder

It is winter and I am deep in the throes of my SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you don’t know what that is, allow me to explain. It is a type of depression brought on by a particular season. In my case, it’s winter. It is also possible to experience SAD during the summer.  

SAD coupled with my everyday depression makes me feel like Sisyphus. Unlike him though, I sometimes wish the ball would roll over me. 

When I get this way, I think of the color blue, a deep shade of it that reminds me of the ocean where mysteries and magic happen. I think of falling into the water to dance with fairies who have stories yet to be told. They are waiting for someone to bestow them upon. If I’m worthy, perhaps they’ll grace me with a wave that brings a smidgen of a tale I can work with.  

When I’m depressed, the writing muse leaves me. I’m not sure where she goes. Maybe she’s playing in the sea with the fairies waiting for me to visit her. Maybe she’s sprouted wings and is riding the wind until my mind and heart clear just enough for her to land in me. Maybe she’s given up hope that I’ll ever be back to myself and has connected with someone else. I am reminded of Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic in which she mentions the muse moving onto someone else if you push her away for too long. This scares me.

These are the thoughts that emerge when I’m like this. Negative, endless, fearful  thoughts followed by tsunami waves of feeling I wish to express but can’t. Feelings of desperation, hopelessness and sadness. All of this is hidden by the sickly smile and the “I’m fine” responses I give when others ask.  

I also feel guilt. I’m a therapist, damnit! I should know how to get through this. Therapists don’t get depressed. We are superheroes who help the world. But, I, like you, am human. Therapists do get depressed. And we’re wondering – who is going to help us? COVID has taken a toll on the mental health world including its practitioners. Maybe I’ll save that thought for another blog post.  

If you’re feeling this way, know that you’re not alone. SAD and regular ol’ depression are common conditions but not always understood. If you’re reading this hoping to find someone who gets it, you’ve come to the right place. I get it. I say this again – YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.  

If you are where I am now, you may find it helpful to know that you don’t need to do anything. Not that you or I would have the energy anyway to do anything, which is a personally frustrating part of this whole damn condition.  

As I wait for the energy to do my normal somethings, I find myself doing small things, teeny tiny things to help me wait, to keep me from falling into the bottomless pit of God knows what. Maybe these wee things can help you. Maybe not. We each must do what we feel is best.  

My “small things” list is as follows. Take it or leave it. Again, you do you.

·      Listen to your body and do what it tells you. My body has been telling me to rest a lot. I have been sleeping in, taking short naps, binging shows and movies, eating comfort foods and doing the bare minimum in my professional work. Fortunately, I do not have clients currently so I have the space to do as little as possible. The healthy regimen can wait until energy returns.

·      Engage in meditative breathing. I listen to two meditation apps for at least 10 minutes every morning. The short period of focused breathing lowers my anxiety and gives me a bit of energy to get out of bed.

·      Get a wee bit of exercise even for five minutes. I know it’s winter and it’s cold. I haven’t walked on the trails near my home for weeks because I can’t make myself face the cold and snow, so all I can manage to do is walk down the few steps to check my mail, and if I feel like it, walk on my treadmill. Again, the healthy regimen can wait.

·      Go outside if you’re able. Maybe you love winter, so if going outside rocks your world, go for it.

·      Drink water. Dehydration contributes to fatigue which is bad enough while depressed, so try to drink a few cups daily. Again, the healthy regimen of drinking 6-8 cups can wait.  

·      Engage in light therapy by either going outside or getting a light therapy lamp. I personally don’t use one, but I do have a pink Himalayan salt lamp that does help.

·      Be aware of when you need more support. Contact a supportive friend or family member or make an appointment with a mental health professional. When things get really bad for me, I call my therapist. Yes, therapists do have therapists.  

If you start having thoughts of hurting yourself and then actually begin creating a plan to do just that, your situation is dire! Please, PLEASE call your local crisis center or 911 (if you’re in the United States). If you’re in the U.S., you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. Just an FYI – starting July 16, 2022, you can access the hotline by calling 988. 

I know this season will end eventually, but it feels like I have a long way to go. After all, it’s only January. In a small way, knowing that things have an end brings me comfort. And it gives me hope. In the meantime, I will just keep breathing and doing the small things that help me get through the day.  

I hope you find the small things that work for you.