Dealing with a Grief Trigger and the Coffeehouse Experience, Part 4
It’s hard to believe that another week has gone by and it’s Friday, my day to write in earnest. Today, June 16, is also momentous in that it is my late father’s birthday. He would’ve been 88.
I have been dealing with this grief trigger for over 10 years now. What makes it worse is it always falls on or near Father’s Day. Double whammy.
Maybe trigger isn’t the right word now that I think about it. Triggers come unexpectedly but I know that this date comes around once a year. But I never know how I’m going to feel on the day in question and I guess in that sense, the emotions are triggers for me. Today, I feel all sorts of ways so I’m glad that I have writing to help me make sense of it. If this blog post comes across as disjointed, I apologize for that.
Where am I as I process all this? Physically, I am sitting in the lobby/café section of a resort near me, the Allenberry. More on this resort in a moment.
Where am I emotionally and mentally? A bit all over the place. I knew this day was coming but the actual day has some unpredictability to it for I never know how I’m going to be when I wake up. This morning, I took a walk in the rain which was relaxing. As soon as I returned home, I felt anxiety creeping in on me. I tried to pray my way out of it by going to my church’s adoration chapel, which is a 24/7 respite from the day’s cares. But my anxiety worsened to the point that I had a mini attack/hot flash and had to leave. Now that I’m settled into my chair here at the café, I am starting to feel calmer.
I know part of this anxiety has to do with memories of my father and the childhood I had. If you’ve been reading my blog from the very beginning, you may have remembered when I shared my backstory. If you don’t recall or are a new reader, I’ll quickly fill you in – I am a child of trauma. When I remember my father, I seem to recall more of the bad memories than the good ones. I know I still have a lot more healing to do in this area.
So, this day brings up those bits along with a pervasive sadness and regret that I never really had a relationship with my father. He died without us ever having the hoped-for conversation filled with apologies and reconciliation.
As hard as I try to look at the positives in all this, I see very few of them. Yes, I am stronger now. Yes, I am resilient. But I got that way not because of my trauma but due to my sheer determination and God’s grace. Yet, despite that, though, I would give it all up to have the life not lived – a life filled with the normal things of childhood without having to worry about the next violent outburst. Sadness, regrets, and the dance those two do together – that’s what I’m feeling today.
And grief. Grief over what never was and what will never be.
**
As I’m processing this moment, I might as well describe for you now where I’m writing today and give you my writerly review. I’m sitting in the lobby area next to the Breeches Café at the Allenberry Resort, which is in Boiling Springs, PA, an adorable hamlet that rests along the Appalachian Trail and Yellow Breeches Creek. I have mentioned Boiling Springs before on the blog. It’s about five miles from my hometown and I love it there.
I’ve come to Allenberry many times, but never to write, and shame on me for that as it’s a gorgeous place in the country surrounding by trees! The historic resort with the rustic farmhouse vibe is well-known on a lot of fronts – the Allenberry Playhouse, which has seen the likes of many up-and-coming stars of stage and screen; its proximity to the Yellow Breeches Creek, which is known as one of the top fly-fishing venues in the country if not the world; and the homey and laid-back accommodations and event spaces that are weaved throughout the property. The Allenberry recently added several amenities, a spa and permanent single-family housing called The Porches, making it more of an attraction for people looking for a peaceful lifestyle in the country. I am blessed to have this gem in my backyard.
As I arrived, I was greeted by a friendly staffer who was manning both the check-in desk and the café. The café has plenty of comfy seating as does the lobby itself. The space has much light and a few perfect tables that you can turn into a mini-work station if you want. I was nearly distracted by the gift shop that wraps around the café and contains various items sporting the resort logo such as mugs, water bottles, apparel and more. If you time your visit right, you won’t run into people checking in for the weekend and parties arriving for dinner at The Barn, a farm to table-style restaurant located behind the lobby. My view is mostly of greenery and a wee bit of the parking lot and the theatre. I am the only guest here now.
The only negative I have to say about this space is the noise level. For the most part, the environment was quiet but there were intermittent phone calls and visitors. It was not as crazy busy as a regular hotel lobby is, but the noise was distracting enough. So, I highly recommend you bring headphones or earbuds like I did.
I also suggest coming during the day, preferably a weekday before 3 p.m. After that, you’ll be surrounded by people going to dinner and a show, checking into the resort or arriving for a special event. The resort is very popular for weddings, family reunions and other events.
My Writerly Grade: A
Write & Rise!
