Let’s Write about Grief, Part 4: Real Talk about How to Help the Griever

Every human on this planet will experience grief at one point or another in life. It is the price we pay for loving, attaching and connecting to people, places and things. Whether the grief is expressed or not doesn’t invalidate its presence.

One can experience grief after any type of loss, really, whether it’s a death,  divorce, job termination, change in health status, move, relational break-up, or Empty Nest Syndrome. You can also grieve the loss of childhood or innocence if you experienced traumatic situations growing up.

When a loss occurs, many people are caught between wanting to support the griever and handling their own discomfort. Some do this tightrope walk very well while others do not. I’ve encountered more who did not know how to support me than those who did.  

What follows are some guidelines about how one can truly support someone who is grieving beyond the sending of condolences and casseroles.

The Art of Listening

This will sound corny but the material point is valid – there is a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth. I cannot say enough about the power of impactful and skillful listening. If only we listened with the intent to understand rather than to make our own selves heard, then the grieving process would go a lot smoother for many.  

So what do you say to someone who is grieving? First, nothing. Just listen. If you want to preface it with a supportive comment like – “I’m just here to listen.” – then go ahead. Sometimes all that’s needed is having the presence of another supportive human being.  

Helpful vs. Unhelpful Comments

What I have discovered is people really do want to be kind and helpful but often don’t know what to do or say, so to fill the uncomfortable space, they will say stupid and thoughtless things to the griever. Their comments are really meant to alleviate their own sense of discomfort rather than to offer support.

Here’s what I’ve found to be helpful comments:  

·      “I’m so sad for your loss.”

·      “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

·      “What can I do to help?” – Be aware though that if you ask this question, you will have to be prepared to follow through. Don’t extend help if you don’t mean it.

·      “Do you want to talk about it?” – Be okay with a ‘no’ answer.

·      “Tell me more about (whatever the person is grieving).” – Be prepared for a ‘no’ answer.

·      “Do you want to share a fond memory about (whomever or whatever the person is grieving)?” – Again, be prepared for a ‘no’ answer. However, I’ve found that people heartily welcome the chance to talk about their loved one.

·      “Let me know what you need.” – Be prepared to follow through.

Here’s what I’ve found to be unhelpful comments:

·      “You can always try again.” – In the case of pregnancy loss, this comment was one of the worst ones made to me because it totally invalidated the tragedy I experienced as well as my feelings about it.

·      “It wasn’t even a baby yet. How can you be sad?” – This comment invalidates the experience and the bond that’s already been established between mother and child. I am of the belief that life begins at conception, so my baby was already a someone – my someone – from the very beginning.

·      “This happened for a reason.” – That may be so, but it glosses over the impact such an experience can have on someone.

·      “You didn’t even know that person very well, so how can you be grieving?” – Grief can occur from any sort of rupture in attachment and connection. While the level of grief can vary depending upon the relationship, it doesn’t mean the loss is not impactful. New situations of grief can also open up old wounds, and they too have to be reconciled.

·      “God was trying to teach you a lesson so that is why He took away (insert person, place or thing here).” – This comment is inappropriate on so many levels that I cannot get into here. But let me say this. The God I know is a loving and merciful being who doesn’t play chess with our lives. And, it’s not helpful to blame the griever for their loss. Trust me, they’re doing a great job of beating themselves up already and they don’t need your help to do it.

·      “Get over it,” or “Toughen up,” or “You’re being too (insert adjective here),” or any variation thereof. Aside from the invalidation, insensitivity and dismissiveness these comments bring to mind, they also ignore the fact that we each grieve in our own way at our own pace. If someone is telling you these things on a regular basis, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and boundaries with that person.  

Every comment you receive presents an opportunity to express exactly what you need and want. And when you are in the throes of grief, what better time to express that? You deserve care as much as anyone else. Please don’t forget that.

I’m sure this post will spark some conversation within yourself or your circle. Let me know your thoughts. If you want, you can send me an email at lori@loriapeterswriter.com.

In my next post, I’ll be talking about a special writing group I’m forming to help people process their grief.

Write & Rise, my friends.