Let’s Talk About Grief: Disenfranchised Grief, Part 2 11/15/21

In the first part of this miniseries on grief, I talked about a particular kind of grief called disenfranchised grief, which is a grief that goes unacknowledged and unsupported. I talked about this type of grief as it pertains to pregnancy loss.

In this post, I’m going to expand further on that topic by talking about abortion.

I know abortion is a lightning rod subject, politicized to the hilt. I also know the abortion issue is an onion, with many messy and complicated layers. After working over 15 years with teens and women who have contemplated getting an abortion or have had one, I have come to know many facets of this type of loss. To an outsider, it can be easy to believe that those who’ve had abortions don’t deserve to mourn the loss at all. It is oh so tempting to take the moral high ground and point fingers.

Many who’ve chosen abortion are not the same after the procedure and a lot come to regret it. I can tell you that these teens and women mourn their losses regardless of their particular situation. However, they feel they cannot openly express that regret nor any other feeling about it because abortion is perceived as a choice they made and is not acknowledged as a source of grief. These women wind up feeling ashamed, confused and alone. Enter disenfranchised grief.

Those who do not support abortion can dehumanize women by labeling them as baby killers and murderers. Their focus remains on saving the baby instead of offering compassionate and useful support to the mother. Those who support abortion tend to stand behind the argument of “My body, my choice” without truly considering the real consequences abortion can have on a person psychologically, emotionally and physically. They too dehumanize women by solely focusing on bodily autonomy. Mind, body and spirit are interconnected.  

At the center of this storm is the teenager or woman. When you conflate a person’s actions with their identity, there is no space for mercy or compassion. Harsh judgments leave no room for consideration of particular situations. While abortions are sometimes done for convenience’s sake, as in I am not ready for a baby now and I just don’t want one , they are also done because many teens and women are forced to abort. The reasons can stem from medical conditions, family or partner pressure, economics, sexual assault or incest.  

It takes a strong and well-resourced person to continue with a pregnancy after being raped. How can we expect her to keep the baby when we don’t provide her with the emotional and material support needed to do so? How is it possible to heal from the trauma of the assault when the focus is solely on saving the baby? Many don’t have the wherewithal to do this and believe abortion is their only choice.

Victims of sexual assault or incest are often stigmatized and vilified by the public, the media, law enforcement and the legal system. The very institutions meant to protect victims often re-traumatize them. This particular situation presents a perfect opportunity to support both mother and child. Helping her heal will set her up to be in a better position to decide whether she wants to keep her child.  

And then you have to consider the impact of trauma. Many women have experienced trauma and neglect long before they’re faced with an abortion decision. They simply do not have the emotional or physical capacity it takes to raise a child because they haven’t been able to do the work required to heal their own wounds. In my work with children, I have seen the damage done by parents who have attempted to parent without working on their own traumatic backgrounds. It is a recipe for intergenerational trauma.  

I think we can all agree that no one wakes up one day and says, “I’m going to have an abortion.” While I personally would like abortion not to happen, I think we would do better not to render judgement upon those who make that choice because it is not always black or white. And neither is the associated grief.  We as a society shouldn’t crucify a woman for her decision but move toward her with wholehearted understanding and support. 

In Part 3 of this series on grief, I will tackle the topic of conflicted grief.